Recapping a Boring RHOBH Episode: Son of a Witch

This recap is courtesy of J.R. And does not reflect the opinions of Real Mr. Housewife.

The last season of RHOBH was set up for failure. After such an insane second season, what could they possibly have done to create something compelling and something we’d want to bring back ‘water cooler chats’ at work? It’s obvious that they didn’t know the answer because all we got was a no-longer-crazy Kim Richards and a lot of lemon picking. It’s early yet, but clearly “putting your best foot forward” was on the agenda of the producers.

Anyway, this episode begins with Brandi living up the ho life #noshame #getitgirl! I’ll say, her antics between last season and this one and her immediate, straight out of the gate arrogance this season makes me feel like the exposure that the show has given her has gotten to her head. I’m finding her less cool-girl-who’ll-tell-it-like-it-is and sensing that she’s moving into Nene territory. Only time will tell.

There’s something about a beauty pageant by one of the new women (Joyce). She graduated HS when she was 16. Congratulations. You have a bachelors in social work and another one in special education. And now you’re putting those to such good work by not using them at all and joining RHOBH to talk about your “coochie” and your “booty.” Thanks for throwing around your education to show that you’re not using it. “Pretty Woman” was the inspiration for your life? Ok… Cute kids, for sure though. She and her husband do seem like really great parents, so I’ll hand that to her at least.

Carlton, why are you on my television screen? Oh, you like your son to be around beautiful women. Way to set him up for VERY successful future relationships. Aspects of your décor are okay, but much of it clashes. Figure it out.

Yoyawnda. She’s probably one of the only actually decent human beings in the entire franchise, yet somehow the most boring. To reference SNL’s recent highlight Rosé Zone skit, we’re watching these shows to see women destroying other women, NOT to watch you being the consummate homemaker. Carole in NY can get away with not being involved in the drama because her testimonials are funny. Yolanda? Get with it. Beautiful? Yes. Interesting? Enough, if last season’s reunion has anything to say about you. But throw a glass or something. And are you selling your lemons or something, because we’re STILL seeing that shit in almost every frame you’re in.

Bravo, when they’re doing interview segments, can they at least wear the same outfit for the interview segments in a single episode? Yoyawnda’s already switched between two or three outfits. Be more cohesive please. We know a lot of this is BS nonsense and fake anyway, but if they’re speaking in present tense, at least let us think that they came off stage to talk about what just happened.

Brandi’s back! I have to say, she’s got a questionable character, but we’ve got to love that she’s A CHARACTER. We’re being treated to a break up luncheon with the real estate agent with the Luann haircut. “I think you’re great.” “Ditto.” This conversation is VERY authentic. Yeah. Check my bank account for the money that I’ll give to believe that.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Wearing the Phoebe Price hat and talking to your boring as fuck daughter. I forgot this season was the Lisa-on-Dancing-with-the-Stars season. I’ll give her props for being the first housewife to be on the franchise because I remember the rumors over the years about various RH women clamoring to be on the show and getting shut down. Also, I’ll say that from what I saw, she seemed to be a good dancer (although that fainting BS was disappointing because it was so fake). Giggy’s wearing an amazing suit and I kind of maybe need one for my own dog.

Ugh. Carlton again. With a scene that didn’t need to happen.

FINALLY. Kim and Kyle in their first real appearances of the episode. Kyle’s dress is awful. Carlton is speaking and I’m bored again. She’s made another mention about beautiful women and wanting to be surrounded by them. Yoyawnda has some pretty hot bitch hair as usual. Carlton has a friend named A.C. so now we have two women in one episode with the same names as male characters from early 90s teen shows.

Lisa’s trying to defend her fainting nonsense. Is this the episode’s grand confrontation? Because I’M BORED AGAIN. This is not bitches being crazy. This is not Kim crawling around on the ground looking for missing pills (my suggestion of the most useful cutaway segment that they’ve ever had).

Carlton, stfu. If you’re going to come out as a witch from the start, don’t try and say that Kyle is being rude by asking you about something that you’re apparently proud of and open about. The head-of-the-table seat is ugly as sin. There’s so much talk about “hot women” tonight. And somehow Kyle is not coming off as her usual complete-horrible-human-being self.

This Joyce woman just won a “maybe we have a good new cast member” thought for her private interview questioning why Carlton is offended by Kyle asking about the witch thing and not by Brandi calling Carlton a seeyounexttuesday.

Okay, Brandi just brought up the Mauricio cheating thing. New contentious moment. There’s no reason for it. If Brandi knew Kyle already knew about the rumor and all of them knew/thought/suspected it wasn’t true? Okay, Yoyawnda just claimed there might be an ounce of truth. Hmmm.

What’s coming up next week? Hopefully something worth watching, as the featured buzz stuff was kind of a snooze.