Real Housewives of Atlanta 12/1/13 Recap

Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 6 is underway and JR is back with another recap. All opinions expressed do not reflect those of the Real Mr. Housewife. 

Finally. It took a few episodes, but this season seems to finally be taking off. It’s not perfect, but it’s at least showing signs of some interesting story lines. Although, that said, if this episode is any inclination of what’s to come, we’d better get ready for a lot of really horrible headbands (thanks, Sonja for bringing these into the franchise in an unironic fashion).

We begin with Phaedra heading off to Alabama for mortuary school. Luckily for us, she’s still pissed at Apollo from last week’s pretty awesomely uncomfortable date night and rightfully so. That whole dinner scene was an exercise in Apollo taking all of our “this guy really isn’t very bright” side thoughts and dialing them up to 11. Rather than any goodbye, Phaedra gives Apollo very polite, southern belle “fuck you” and hits the road. She then gives the interview cameras some prime Phaedra comments about how she’s a true Scorpio. Now we can add that on to her various other “everybody knows” titles.

Apollo has arrived at Cynthia’s studio to talk to Peter and get advice on how to be married and not have his foot in his mouth. Peter gave him the standard “shut up, what she says goes” lines and what do you know? This scene was useless. If the producers are going to make the interactions so contrived, they could have at least put SOME effort into it and placed them in a social setting (a bar, lunch, whatever) rather than Apollo showing up to their place of business for 5 minutes (yes, it was probably longer, but either way it was a pointless trip and a wasted scene).

Kandi, poor Kandi. She’s got so much to be happy about and people just won’t let her have it. By people, I of course mean Mama Joyce and “They” (who will be brought up later in the episode). Kandi and her servant friend Carmon are setting up the house for Todd’s return. It’s really nice to see Kandi happy, but then comes up Mama Joyce and the difficulty with her sudden disapproval of Todd. Mama Joyce insists that he’s an opportunist and claims that he’s engaged in inappropriate behavior with Carmon behind Kandi’s back. Yay for baseless accusations!

Our next scene gives us Kenya moving into a house out of nowhere. I have to say, I really am pleased that they don’t show us EVERYTHING on these shows, i.e. her actually searching for this house. Although, that said, Bravo could probably move in on HGTV territory and make an entirely new show about various Bravo-lebrities (will we ever be able to say this word without hating ourselves?) doing the things that aren’t worth showing on their actual shows. Why not make a Bravo version of House Hunters/Say Yes to the Dress/etc.? It certainly wouldn’t be the worst show on Bravo, I’ll tell you that much. This scene also gives us what I believe is this season’s debut of Miss Lawrence and all of the therapy I’ve had trying to forget his performance of “Closet Freak” is now undone. Kenya shares her disappointment with Kandi, blah blah blah, who cares.

Cynthia is monopolizing Nene’s time before she returns to start filming the new season of ‘Glee,’ where Nene flippantly mentions Cory Monteith’s death as the reason for the delay, giving it all of the tact and mindfulness that one would give if the delay had been caused by the entire crew being ill. They’re walking around the grocery store, where Nene (wearing a gross headband) doesn’t know if she can taste food before she buys it and reminisces about Hot Pockets. It’s nice to know that she remembers where she came from. Cynthia is asking for advice on raising a teenager and Nene is attempting to come off as a hard-ass conservative get-to-your-bedroom-and-hit-the-books type of parent. That’s clearly the course she took with Bryson, right? Maybe she’s trying to prevent Cynthia from being Atlanta’s newest Glam-ma.

We’re back to Kandi. Todd comes home and they move right into talk of Mama Joyce. Kandi reveals that M.J. thinks Todd is an opportunist. Because accepting a house from your daughter isn’t calling the kettle black. M.J. is unhappy with the ring because it’s not more expensive, which pisses Todd off and rightfully so. Kandi is laughing about the situation and surprise, surprise: Todd is not. I feel for the chef (no, cook) who is being subjected to this conversation. This guy is a class act for not just screaming at them to shut up. Todd wants to set up a meeting to talk things out like a sane, normal person because he’s probably the most rational person on this show. You can hear Mama Joyce’s eyes rolling over the phone.

And great. Now we get Boresha. Her mother continues to enable her by treating her like the child that she is. Porsha puts on a gross headband. Porsha’s younger sister arrives to take Porsha out to look at places because her younger sister somehow is the only one in the family that doesn’t think it’s cute for Porsha to behave the way she does.

Now comes the Bravo mandated Housewife-being-a-good-mother scene. Cynthia is testing out Noelle’s boyfriend and his mother. Peter makes the poor kid nervous from the start and demands to be called Mr. Thomas. Then the joke-serious questions occur: “WHAT KIND OF TIME?” “YOU STARIN’ AT ME?” Isn’t this fun? Noelle and Arthur go out on the porch. There’s a lot of staring and giggling. Cynthia and Arthur’s mother talk. Cynthia actually comes across as a good mother, so you do have to hand it to her.

We’re getting a scene of Porsha looking at places. Porsha’s headband is dominating every shot and making me angrier than I usually am when she’s on screen. considering the amount of clothes she probably has. She’s coming up with excuses not to be an adult, which isn’t news to anyone.

Cutaway scene: Kenya upset about how things are packed. It’s “comical.” Now she’s dancing and singing about not being homeless. This brings Kenya’s housewife album up to three songs now, with “Gone With the Wind Fabulous,” “Twerkin’ on a Piano (all the live long day),” and now “I’m Not Homeless.” Why Bravo still hasn’t come out with a compilation of housewives songs on iTunes is beyond me, because they could make at least twenty American dollars off of this nonsense.

Phaedra is going to her mortuary sciences study group. Classmate Amber’s eyebrows are almost as offensive as Porsha’s headband. Phaedra throws it in the collective group’s face that she and good ol’ Willie Watkins are constantly busy and rolling in money.

Now for the meat of the episode: Kandi, Todd, Mama Joyce throw down. M.J. mentions that she likes Kandi’s hair, which is a sign that she’s clearly not all there. Dare I say that Todd is the least skeeziest guy that’s ever been on Atlanta? The dinner begins and M.J. is out for blood and we get to hear a number of comments from “They.” Apparently “They” are talking about Todd and Carmon and possible inappropriate behavior. Keep in mind that “They” is the Atlanta equivalent of the Beverly Hills “I’ve heard around town.” Kandi is shutting this down because she trusts both Carmon and Todd and has no time for gossip. M.J. says Todd prevents Kandi from having a family because she doesn’t have any pictures of M.J. in the house that she hasn’t yet finished decorating. M.J. is a Kelly-Bensimon-strength brick wall of crazy during this dinner. She’s now dispensing comments and advice about the ring Todd has purchased for Kandi, stating that Kandi stepped down to a lower level for Todd and that Todd is not a provider for Kandi. She’s bringing up pre-nups and trying to negotiate with Todd. Because it’s her business, you know? Kandi, with her excellent timing, leaves the room to get pie. M.J. calls Todd an opportunist again because he’s getting to live in Kandi’s house (SO MANY KETTLES). She’s got spies and she’ll take the slick out of slick. And now for Mama Joyce’s season catch phrase (and probably the entire season’s catchphrase): “Ain’t no river high enough, ain’t no ocean deep enough, ain’t no desert hot enough to keep me off your ass, baby.” I think that’s how that song went. I love it when two people bond over mutual hatred and insults. I’m not sure if M.J. is drunk or just going senile, but she at least admits that she’s a “work in progress” and that the pie is good.

NEXT TIME: Phaedra’s still pissed over Textgate and Apollo is trying to brush it under the rug, M.J. is trying to attack Carmon while Kandi is dress shopping and gets physically restrained, and a bunch of stuff that could go either way.